One thing that has been on my heart is the communication between husbands and wives in the area of sexual intimacy and romance. Yes, I said it. I have to remind you that this message is geared for the married folk, but for those of you who are currently single, but desire to get married one day, this is a great message to learn from and to keep in mind when God does bless you with your soul mate.
Over the years, although I’ve attended a few pre-marriage seminars/classes and even post marriage events, I’ve always heard tips like, “keep in good communication with your spouse”, “never go to bed angry at one another”, “keep God in the center of your marriage”, and many more great marriage phraseologies. However, the one topic that always seemed to be missing (at least in my mind) was an authentic, real talk about the importance of sexual intimacy and romance within the marriage. Now don’t think I’m a sex freak, but let’s be real. That’s one aspect of marriage I believe IS important, especially if you want to continue to have fulfillment and spontaneity in the marriage bed; and overall, in your marriage.
Why would God say “the two shall become one” (Mark 10:8), if He didn’t desire our sexual intimacy in marriage to be an awesome experience? Think on that! I know you may be wondering “did she really say that?”. And yes, I did. This is a topic that honestly, isn’t talked about much in the Christian church or a lot of times, amongst believers.
As a person who had been single for most of my adult life (15+ years to be exact), was in a courting relationship with my now husband for 1.5 years, and now married for a little over three years, I’ve learned a few things as a fairly young, but seasoned married woman. When I say seasoned, I’m not talking about quantity of years in marriage. I’m talking about quality of years from the experiences between my husband and I, learning from great spiritual mentors, and most importantly, our OWN marriage, and the revelation we’ve received from God about sexual intimacy and romance.
My husband and I love the lord and value this aspect of our marriage, so want to encourage, inspire, and hopefully, re-energize other married couples in the areas of sexual intimacy and romance in THEIR marriage.
We’ve learned that not investing time and intentionality into sexual intimacy and romance, or forsaking these aspects of our marriage, can drastically affect our communication between one another or even trigger built up feelings of frustration. For those that have experienced being physically frustrated, you may can identify with this.
The one thing we’ve learned is that if either spouse is not constantly having a way to “release” (I’m referring to sexually), then subconsciously it could lead to silent frustration towards your spouse. According to Psychology Today (2016), “A 2016 study published in The Archives of Sexual Behavior found that among married couples living in America, frequency of sex, sexual satisfaction, and marital satisfaction all decreased over time” (Anderson, Are You Having Enough Sex?). It is obvious that if a study can show that sex decreases over time, how important is it for those of us in a marriage relationship to keep the fire burning on a consistent basis.
Early on in our marriage, we had learned from experience that being open about our sexual intimacy desires and needs, and communicating those needs and desires often with one another, went a long way. The key here is that we communicated our sexual desires to one another, NOT to a co-worker, a best friend, family member, or even mentor.
This was important to us because when God says “guard your heart with all diligence because out of the heart flow the issues of life” (Proverbs 4:23), He means that it’s important to guard who we allow to speak into our heart and who and what we open our heart up to. Sharing sexual desires or even frustrations with anyone other than your spouse is a disaster waiting to happen.
Just as important as it is to keep God first in your marriage, it is also important to give yourself to your spouse and on some occasions, it may be sacrificially. Napoleon Hill (2007) in The Master-Key to Riches mentions that one of the nine practices for receiving life’s rewards is “the practice of ROMANCE”. He says “that romance is what renews our spirit of youth, in the spite of passing years” (2007, Hill, The Master-Key to Riches, p. 32). As one of the most successful influential leaders in the world, if he’s even sharing about this aspect of life, then don’t you think it would be worth applying to our own lives? Something to think about.
Here are 5 tips on the importance and benefits of investing in your communication through sexual intimacy with your spouse.
Tip #1: Communicate your sexual desires and needs to your spouse OFTEN.
Since my husband and I first got married, we were very open about our sexual desires with one another, needs, and what we liked. Being open with your spouse is important because it allows each of you to be vulnerable with one another, which diminishes any ounce of pride. Being an open book to your spouse will create a openess in communicating your sexual desires and needs with one another, without feeling ashamed or embarrassed.
Tip #2: Be open to being creative with your spouse in the bed.
Bringing creativity to the marriage bed will make sexual intimacy fun, exciting, and spontaneous. My husband and I love to act silly, so we’ve had times when we wore silly undergarments before making love and even wrestled at times. This may not be your thing, but from my experience, doing something different when engaging in sexual intimacy with your spouse, are important to consider when wanting to add a little spice to your marriage. If we are expecting change, then something has to change.
Tip #3: Pray over your spouse
Prayer changes things! God desires us to draw near to Him, so when we take time to pray for our spouses, He honors our prayers. Whatever is concerning to you in your marriage, know that God hears and will give you the desires of your heart.
Tip #4: Encourage and compliment your spouse in the bed
Encouraging words and compliments go a long way when they are genuine and from the heart. If you had an amazing experience in the bed with your spouse, tell him or her. Don’t keep it to yourself because sometimes one word of encouragement or a nice compliment can boost the confidence of your spouse more than you know.
Tip #5: Recognize that your spouse is human and not perfect
There may be times when either spouse has had a long day or may be too tired to engage in love-making or sex. If this is the case, don’t belittle your spouse or think something’s wrong. Love on them and embrace the fact they were honest about how they were feeling at the time. I have learned that it’s healthier to not force sexual intimacy with my husband, but to wait patiently, with love. When your spouse is ready, then he or she will be open to give themselves to you, with joy. We are all human, so give your spouse some grace.
I hope my testimony and these 5 tips will impact your sexual intimacy and romance with your spouse and bring more excitement into your marriage bed.
What ways have you spiced up the romance and sexual intimacy in your marriage bed? Don’t be shy!
Thank you so much for reading this blog and embarking upon this inspirational journey of life with me! If you were encouraged, inspired, or can identify with the message/story, please feel free to comment. I’m sure others will be encouraged by hearing YOUR story.